Nov

Ambush on the Wedding Plans

I must admit that I was not prepared for the quasi ambush last night, but then again I never usually am. Family should not be a battleground but it always ends up that way. Well, in my case as I usually try to do things that are not part of the normal template life. As I write that I am guessing people are assuming I am talking about an alternative lifestyle like being homosexual, joining CIRQUE DU SOLEIL or becoming a Buddhist monk. Actually all of these lifestyles would be considered normal if someone came from that tradition. So really what I am trying to say is that I don’t feel I am doing anything that strange but as it is not what my parents did or think they would have done then they can’t fathom it.

Here is the background story, for my husband and I’s U.S. wedding we are planning a beach ceremony in Miami, Florida at the end of December. I thought of the idea and thought it would be really neat to get married on the beach there in Miami as we will be in Miami for roughly 2 weeks looking at/ comparing employers, apartments, houses, public transport etc. Neither of us is interested in a big wedding. Really both of us are looking forward to being legally married in the U.S. and starting a family. The wedding is kind of an afterthought for us. Not everyone understands this.

First I thought of getting married, essentially eloping, while we plan on being in Miami and then just telling everyone afterwards but I decided against that. My main reason for deciding against that was I really did not want everyone to give me endless grief about it. I also did not want anyone to take it personally and feel as if I was trying to exclude them by not inviting them. So I decided if we tell everyone and give them the opportunity to come to my wedding they can’t be mad or give me grief, right? And if I plan it, pay for it and take care of everything myself, no one can feel as if they have any right to exert any control over it, right? WRONG.

Let’s start from the beginning if we are telling the story.

Telling People You are Getting Married

It should be easy, right, to tell people you are getting married? “Hey, we are getting married on such and such day so I guess that means we are engaged.” “Hey, that is neat congratulations!” I imagine it to be so simple. With our friends it was that simple. And none of them were really surprised. With the husband’s mom it was also that simple. She was excited and asked if she could come. We said yes. End of story and she is looking forward to seeing us get married.

That same night we told the husband’s mom we told my parents in person. I don’t remember much about the exchange just that it was kind of anti climactic. They seemed slightly uninterested in the ideas we had on how we were going to get married and somehow the conversation drifted to my mom talking about her work. There was enough time to ask us why we had not said anything sooner in the evening when my grandparents, aunt, uncle and cousin were also present. I said we just wanted to tell them, the parents of the bride, in person alone. Right, and then the conversation became about my mom’s work and about my brother. Those are her two favorite subjects. I am happy she finds fulfillment in her job and it is great that she likes my brother but sometimes it would be nice to know she liked me.

The next week my parents went south to visit my brother and his wife. They asked if I had told my brother the good news and I told them that we had not. They said they would wait until after we had told my brother to talk about it with him. But, after my parents visit my brother called me leaving a voicemail saying something like, “hey, call me. Mom said you had some good news”. So I proceed to call my brother and tell him about how we are getting married and the plans. He asked some questions about the plans like “why aren’t you doing it this way..” It is not that I don’t like questions, it is just that I would prefer people not push their ideas of what I should be doing and what makes sense to them on to me. I would have welcomed a question like “does what you’re doing have meaning and significance to you and could you explain to me how it does because I am interested in know more about you”. Oh yea and his first response to “we are getting married” was “oh yea I figured. Mom didn’t exactly say but she led on that”. His congratulations were said like an afterthought.

Am I weird in thinking that an enthusiastic ‘congratulations’ should be the first thing out of people’s mouths when I tell them we are getting married? I am only thinking of how I would respond and if someone told me that they were getting married. I would say something like, “hey that is neat, congratulations, what neat things are you thinking of doing in order to celebrate?”
Yes I am weird.

The next time my mother’s side of the family got together, I made a brief little announcement of how we are getting married and these are our loose plans. Guess what their responses were……. “oh, yea we figured because your Mom eluded to that”. Then some jokes were made yada yada. Then my grandmother started talking as if she were not even considering making the trip. Traveling 726 miles (11 hours, 11 minutes) for my brother’s wedding totally ok and no whining from anyone; traveling 1,195 miles (18 hours 5 minutes) for my wedding and everyone has something to say. Let me also point out the hypocrisy. Everyone wants me to make a big deal out of this day; wedding, guest list, invitations, ring etc, etc. No one wants to be even slightly inconvenienced by my plans. I totally understand others not wanting to be inconvenienced by my wedding. My understanding and easy-goingness somehow becomes interpreted as me being as asshole and I just don’t care who is at my wedding ceremony. I am exhausted just writing about what happened. I have no idea how I survived it. Everyone did eventually tell us congratulations after having picked at us extensively.

I stopped telling people in my family about getting married as it seemed everyone already knew before I told them.

Dissecting The Wedding Plans

Yesterday my parents threw a party for my husband attaining U.S. citizenship. At the party were my mother’s side and my father’s side of the family. It was a fun party. After everyone else had left and as the husband and I were getting ready to leave, my father wants to know about the wedding plans. My Mom and the husband were in the kitchen and my father starts asking questions. I don’t remember all of the specifics but I remember feeling ambushed. His tone when asking questions really gives away what he is really thinking. It was mildly aggressive and I could really sense his disgust. I noticed that his tone and demeanor changed when my mom and the husband entered the room. It suddenly became a more casual conversation about our wedding plans.

I do remember specifically every word of two questions he asked.
The first was “why are you getting married all the way down there?” Oh, and the way he toned and accentuated the ‘all the way down there’ part was horrible. I can’t tell if he was trying to say that Miami is totally inferior to his geographic location that he can’t be caught dead there or if he just does not want to the hassle of traveling down there.

The second question was “do you realize that your grandparents are not going to drive there and they definitely are not going to fly there?” To which my response was, ‘yes, they made that very clear right after we first told them we were getting married.’ He did not allow me time to ask a follow up question like, ‘hey, are you trying to say we should adjust our plans and make all our new plans based on who is willing to show up and where?’ But my family does not allow time for that.

He had another set of questions that I can’t remember how they were worded but it had something to do with timing. He might have just asked why are you getting married now or something, as if he was trying to say weddings happen in the spring why are you getting married in December….are you pregnant? To which I would reply honestly, no. Or maybe the timing was not convenient for him. He does not want to drive through the snow to go south and he does not want to fly. I don’t know.

Looking back I wish I would have just cut him off at the first question of why. I wish I would not have answered the questions. I wish I would have said something like “aren’t I a little too old for you to be asking me these kinds of questions in this accusatory aggressive tone?” If he acted puzzled I could continue with, “well, I am financially independent, have a college degree, legally 10 years past the age considered adult and I am paying for my own wedding, basically you don’t have any leverage on me anymore, you can’t tell me what to do.” While I was on a roll I could add, “quit taking everything I do personally, it is just me living my life based on what I think I should do, just because I don’t do exactly as you do doesn’t make me wrong nor am I trying to push you away, you raised me to be independent while you were at work growing your career, if you don’t understand something I do, just ask, I will gladly explain it to if, if you will listen, keep in mind that I have my reasons just like you have yours, if you don’t want to hassle with coming to my wedding just tell me, it will hurt less than trying question me to death and manipulate me into changing my plans, the only people needed at my wedding are me and the husband.”

As of today part of me is really wishing that we had just decided to elope and tell people after the wedding. Living with their constant disapproval before is worse and will inevitably negatively affect my wedding day.